You may ignore the importance of
female friendships – but you certainly can’t deny it
Over the last few days I have been
immersed in Elena Ferrante’s novel, My Brilliant Friend. The book is best
summed up as an ode to female friendship, with all its ups and downs, highs and
lows, tantrums and tears, laughter and fear. The story revolves around two
young girls, Lenu and Lina, growing up in a rough neighbourhood in Naples, who
establish a wary friendship as children. But in telling their tale through the prism
of the traumas and triumphs of their relationship, Ferrante delves deep into
some of the universal truths of the nature of friendship (and its limits).
Reading it late into the night, I began
to think about how much we neglect the importance of same-sex friendships
because of our very modern obsession with romantic love (or even sexual desire).
But however much we ignore it, we cannot deny the importance of friendship in
our lives: the relationship of a child with an elderly neighbour; of a teacher
with a favourite pupil; of the man who lives alone with his dog; and of course,
that which springs up between two women.
Of all of these, female friendships are
the most special, I think (yes, yes, I know, that makes me a sexist so-and-so).
And never is their intensity more marked than in childhood and adolescence – that
is, before romantic love rears its unruly head.
I still remember my first day at school,
kitted out in a strange new uniform, knees knocking together with nerves, my
heart pounding with fear of the unknown horrors lying in wait for me in the
schoolroom. My only comfort was the presence of my ‘best friend’ who was
starting school the same time as me. We clung together as if our lives depended
on it, sitting at adjoining desks, sharing our tiffins at break time, and as
the final bell sounded, making a break for freedom. We had survived the first
day of school. Things could only get better from now on.
And they did. We got to know our
classmates. We lost our mortal fear of our teacher. We played hide-and-seek in
the lunch hour. Slowly but surely we made other friends. And by the time we
finished school we were part of two very different groups. But the memories of
that first day in school ensured that the bonds of our friendship never really
loosened no matter how much they frayed.
It’s often said that your closest friends
are the ones you make in school. And certainly, adolescent girls can get rather
intense about their feelings for one another, especially in all-girl schools.
Younger girls develop ‘crushes’ on their seniors; not in a creepy,
hyper-sexualized way, but in the sense of idolizing them, hanging on their
every word, even imitating the way they look and dress. As for the seniors,
their emotional lives are in turmoil as well, as ‘best friends’ are made and
unmade, quarrels take on epic proportions and end in teary make-up sessions.
It’s almost like a love affair, with all of the love but minus the affair.
And then, come the actual love affairs. That’s
when the real dramas start. There’s the jealousy that your best friend now has
a boyfriend. There’s the judgement when you really can’t work out what she sees
in that jerk. Or even worse, you can see all too well why she likes him; it’s
just that you can’t figure out why he likes her when he should really be liking
you. I know, it’s exhausting stuff! But the good part is that your friendship
survives this tricky phase, you will probably be friends for life.
Until, of course, you put children in the
mix. That really is the breaking point of most female friendships. When one of
the two gets married and starts breeding and the other is too busy conquering
the work world, that’s when the tensions kick in. It is not that anyone is
judging the other for her life choices. It is just that as time goes on, the
two erstwhile best friends realize that they have less and less in common with
one another.
The harried mother can no longer party as
she used to. The driven career woman has no real appetite for baby sick and
dirty diapers. Slowly but surely, both women gravitate towards those they can
better relate to. One makes friends with other new mothers in her baby group;
the others gets closer to work colleagues. They still remain friends with one
another but become more and more absent from each other’s lives.
But perhaps the most enduring of female
friendships are those that are made in mid-life. They could be made at work, at
the local club, with the wives of your husband’s friends, or even at the gym;
the context doesn’t really matter. What matters is that by now you are sure of
what kind of person you are, and what you are looking for in a friend. You no
longer have the patience – or, indeed the time – for hypocrisy and
manipulation. You are not interested in playing games or even indulging in a
bit of one-upmanship. All you are looking for is a friend who will look out for
you. And once you find her, you will never ever let go.
And as the two of you grow old together,
comparing pregnancy scars, discussing hot flushes, moaning about your husband
or children, bitching about the boss, giggling over mojitos at your weekly
girlie lunches, or just watching a movie at the neighbourhood multiplex,
remember to give a thanks to female friendships. They really are the best.
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